Friday, July 15, 2005

The realizations of a single father

So, as the title says, I've come to realize something about me: I'm probably going to be single for a long time. Now i know that sounds melodramatic, but i haven't been recently dumped, felt the spurn of regection, or the twisted barb of love in any recent amount of time. It isn't based on the fact that there aren't any people interested either, I just don't have the place in my life for it. This realization hurts a little, I really don't want to miss out on the all of the feelings that having a sinificant other will give. I miss the intimacies, the aguments, and all of the little things that make having someone in you life worth it. I'm 28 years old, and while that crtainly doesn't mean I'm an old man, i can't help but feel a certain pressure to nest. Now , a have a daughter; a beautiful year and half little girl that makes me smile no matter what trouble she causes. I love her with all of my heart, i have come to realize though that while my daughter is an amzing being in her own right, not a lot of women can deal with it. It's true, I can meet some amazing women who I would really consider starting a realtionship with; almost physically change when i tell them that i have a little girl. There just are not a lot of women ut there who want to get tied in with someone who already has someone who already demands so much of their attention. Add in the fact that the little one is not their own and represents a commitment form me towards someone that isn't them. A lot of pople, not just women, just simply do not know how to deal with that type of situation. It a type of compitition that they simply do not know how to handle. Since I'm not going to love my daughter any less, it's hard for someone on the outside to become involved in a established family. It's a lot to consider and for a lot of people it's just easier to move on than deal with that type of compitition. I just don't have the energy to continiously be searching for Mrs. Right, so it puts me in an 'accept me as i am, please' situation with anyone that starts to show an interest. Not the best footing and a little intimidating for the other person. I just think that there simply isn't the energy in people do deal with this, at least not in their twenties. I'm not saying i'll be single for the rest of my life, I just might have to wait for a while for the rest of the world to catch up with me. Maybe when I'm forty.... and that sucks...

Monday, November 15, 2004

Jabberwolky's 100 + 3

So, I copied this from another person's Blog (you know who you are, and I'm sure you can come up with an appropriate punishment if you so desire). But she copied it from another person's Blog. So really, I am just keeping this moving... Even though I think all of three people read this Blog.

1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Star the things that you have in common with me.
3. Whatever you don't star, replace with things about you. (unless you don't have that much time on your hands)
01. I am 6'4" bear with hair that never really stays it's natural color
02. I love burning scented candles, but I don't collect them.* (I don't think I have ever actually bought one)
03. I haven't had access to a t.v. that gets any channels for over 2 years. I don't miss it.* (I'm always contemplating selling it)
04. I believe in...Something, it's there, I can feel it, I really want to touch it
05. I actually know HTML.**
06. Closed-minded people make me very sad.* (and fustrated)
07. I talk to myself... and answer back.***** (often)
08. I listen to some of the most beautiful orchestrated music ever to touch ones ears. I think I am one of seven people who know what I mean.
09. My cat was evil. I won't get another evil cat for a while, not because I hate cats but because I want to provide it with an appropriate atmosphere. I mean, it's only fair.
10. My imagination is deliciously overactive
11. I love getting things in the mail.*
12. I'm on this computer too much******
13. I think love varies to each and every person, there is no way such an emotion cannot be so original to all.
14. I don't think I watch enough movies with sub-titles
15. Sleep is underrated, that's why I never get enough
16. I am fascinated by overlooked things
17. It takes a lot to faze me, there is a solution to everything
18. I am afraid to complain because I hate to sound like I am complaining
19. There are too many interesting people out there and not enough time to talk to them all.
20. I can't type as fast as I would like
21. I care to much for my own good
22. I wish I could buy more things for the people I love.******
23. I can make beautiful children
24. I am realizing that this is a long list and I am not even a quarter of the way though
25. I love to be romantic, now matter how much I complain about it.
26. I love photos.**
27. I want to help people.******
28. I'm perfectly wired. It's everyone else who's normal.
29. My legs look good in a kilt
30. I don't do my laundry often enough.**
31. I always remember my dreams
32. I should be more fit and healthy.*
33. I procrastinate. A LOT.******
34. There exist pictures of me naked, and not as a child.**
35. I am a hypocrite.** (though I don't mind having some of my opinions changed.)
36. I finally grew up enough to be friends with my parents. I think this is the best thing that ever happened to me. * (not just my mom, but my entire family)
37. I wish I had less bills.*
38. I'm overly emotional.****** (It is all kept up inside though, I am foolishly afraid of the way I feel.)
39. History entrances me, in people, story, and structure
40. I once sat 82' from the ocean floor and I have never felt smaller in my life.
41. I am afraid of Altshiemer's
42. My favorite color is blue
43. I'm right-handed.******
44. I love to dance, and would happily dance every night. Just play my music :)
45. I have learned to appreciate silence.*
46. I will never tire of the sound of my daughter laughing
47. I wish I was better at keeping in touch with my friends.*
48. I wish I had more time.
49. I have lived in many places, my home will find me.
50. I like to feel needed
51. I wish I could organize my thoughts verbally
52. I often forget that just because I love someone, it doesn't mean everyone else will.* (but in the end, I don't really care)
53. I think that good friends are the ones you can always go back to. No matter what.*
54. I want to be kissed again.******
55. I need to follow my heart more often.
56. Given the choice, I'd rather be laughing.*
57. I love tattoos with meaning
58. I am really good at video editing
59. I like when my friends write me letters, it makes me feel special.******(And postcards.)
60. I have so many goals for my future, I'm worried I won't fulfill them all.******
61. I hate unnecessary violence.******
62. I will always try anything once within reason, and I have gotten into trouble that way.
63. The odd and the eccentric are attractive/attracted to me.**
64. I miss taking walks by the river.** (More accurately, I miss taking walks through Edmonton's River Valley late at night.)
65. The rain is beautiful.****** (So is snow.)
66. I get hurt too often.**(but sometimes I won't acknowlage it)
67. I love Sour Cream and Onion chips best.*(always been my favs! crap, now I'm craving)
68. I like getting e-mails.****** (hate getting spam)
69. I am not very good at talking on the phone.
70. I always sleep in the dark and always naked.
71. I'm a geek and proud of it.****** (Geeks always have more fun!)
72. I really don't eat enough
73. I don't care who you're sleeping with, as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult.*
74. I am happy the love hurts so damn much
75. I love being cared about.******
76. I love to sing. (It's always in a car, or with people that sing with me.)
77. I am a little kid trapped in a giant frame.
78. I am old enough to get into bars everywhere.*
79. My dreams are vivid, in colour, and often confuse me when I wake up.*
80. I love to hold those I care about close to me.
81. Jack's Drive In makes the best burgers.
82. I often forget that people can take care of themselves.*
83. I love clothes fresh from the dryer.
84. I need many more cool black t-shirts.
85. Celebrity T.V. is a waste of everyone's time.
86. I am afraid to tell people my thoughts, I'm afraid I'll scare them away. (the people, not the thoughts)
87. I love "fake Canadian Chinese food".
88. I need more cuddles.****** (I am very comfortable)
89. I'm a hug whore.****** (I give way more that I receive)
90. Homophobes suck.******
91. I wish I went to university, I feel I have missed so much by not going.
92. I need more plants in my apartment
93. I am the quintessential Cancer, right down to the broody, moody, secretive part. I am sorry to anyone who falls in love with me :). I am also a snake.... (the cosmos is laughing at me)
94. I miss my father now more than ever
95. I make my own jewelry.
96. I'm easily amused, but my attention is not easily captured for long.*
97. The world is a small place. Enjoy it while you can.*
98. I love to do things for people without expectations
99. I love sex, but I love the intimacy more
100. You make your own family.**

three things I fear:
running out of time
revealing to much about myself
losing those I care about because I didn't reveal enough

three things I want to learn before I die:
that I was a good person
the guitar
to dance

three places I want to go:
England (or in this area)
Spain (or in this area)

three positive terms for my personality:

three negative terms for my personality:

three things I like about my appearance:
My Eyes
My Hair
My Style

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Well if you could jack into my brain...

I've come to realize just how lucky a person I am, and how I never seem to fully realize that fact. I am Canadian, which on it's own gives me opportunities other people in other countries dream of. I was raised by loving parents to have a open mind and respect the opinions and beliefs of others. I was also raised to think, and change my opinions if I am proven wrong. I have a daughter who loves me and smiles when I walk into a room. I have brothers and sisters who as much friends as they are blood. I have the best friends in the world, and if I could, I would give it to them. For all of this I am grateful for; and because of al of this, I am happy.
There are still things that I wish to do with my life. I would like to live in another country, live in another culture; not just visit it. Places with rich and deep history amaze me, where the lifetimes of structures are measured in centuries. My imagination flips on at just the thought of these places, actually being there would be a dream come true. I don't just want to read about it in a text book, I want to see it for myself. I love to listen to other people talk about their trips, about what they experienced and watch as their eyes light up when memories come flooding back. It makes me want to go all the more, it makes me want to experience more than what this little city has to offer.

Moonchild - Randis Posted by Hello

Wide awake at Dawn, the sun will chose to shine on...

My time draws near, soon the ability to influence my daughter in my geeky ways will be diminished. The call of a steady pay cheque and financial security (and a little bit of whining) has now launched me back into the working world. It's not a bad deal actually, this job I am starting means that I will be on my road to a career. Ah once again to be gainfully employed, this time doing something that I enjoy, not just putting up with it because the girls are cute (oh come on, you know you do it too). Apprenticeship has many ups (like earning a ridiculous amount of money without the law degree), but this job has a side that I'm going to have to get used too. Getting up at 4:30 am to be at work by 6:30 am is going to take some getting used to; ok a lot of getting used too. While with a new daughter, I am not a stranger to getting up in the wee hours of the morning; but there is a difference in the mental needs involved. Before: Get up, pick up baby, don't drop baby, mix bottle, feed baby, burp baby, occupy time until baby falls back to sleep, return baby to crib, fall asleep. Now it's: Get up, shower, brush teeth, scrape face with a razor blade, get back into shower and wash hair(dumbass), dry off, put on clothes...properly, cook breakfast...uh...make cereal, eat breakfast, grab jacket, boots, and tools, head to Nisku. Yeah, I think I can do it...

Saturday, October 09, 2004

I've given all I can but we're still on the payroll...

So if you haven't guessed, I am a new father. I have a beautiful seven month old daughter that has become a bright new sun in my personal solar system. I'm in a bit of a sedimental mood today, a lot of things have been dancing about in my brain pan (must be good acoustics in there). For the past few months I've been a lucky man, I've been a stay-at-home dad ever since the mom found a good job doing what red seal chiefs do best; manage a kitchen. Alas this is not to be maintained, as now C hates her job with a hell spawned fury and misses her daughter with just as much intensity. This means that I'm probably going to grab one of the many job opportunities that have floated my way, say good by to the time I've been selfishly hoarding with my daughter, and throw my hat once again into the working world miasma. There are benefits to working again, like independence (or the illusion of it, which I'll take as a substitute), financial control, driving, the opportunity to distance myself from C for a regular amount of time, the large drop in diaper changes, and the 'I have to work in the morning, could you get up with her?' excuse. Yeah, being a homebody is a full time job but it was job with a good boss who is remarkable easy to please. I doubt my next boss will allow my to stick a bottle in her face if she starts raising a fuss.

The melody of your demise - enayla Posted by Hello

and in this moment I am happy...

I can say without hesitation that the fruit company Dole, has got me by the dangly bits. Dole fruit bowls are now my 10.99 a week habit; the fruit, the juice, the...well fruit and juice; I love them. When I get a fresh pack of four of these sinful pleasures home they have a life span of about 10 minutes. I am hooked, in fact I'm eating one now as I'm typing this blog. Somewhere in Thailand (it says so on the box) a warehouse manager is cackling with glee at the healthy fruit laced plague they have loosed upon the world, or at least on my wallet.

'Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind' is the best movie you will never see. It's true, one of the reasons I picked it up was because 'Supersize Me' wasn't in and I thought the idea of Kate Winslet with blue hair was cool. This movie never really got any media attention, thankfully. What a good movie, the acting in it floored me, especially from Jim Carey who hung up the 'overacting comedian' role and pulled a serious, dramatic role right out of thin air. The cinematography was really well done, as was the attention to detail as his memory was slowly erased. One of the memories of his beung erased was that of a library. As the characters talked on the screen, slowly the titles on all the books fade away and started to even loose their color. It was a beautiful movie, definitely something I'd recommend.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Moonshadow - T4D Posted by Hello

all i got is this blank stare and that don't carry no clout at all

Hey big blue world out there, thanks for being bored enough to check out my blog site. If you noticed the surprising lack of naked women in various revealing positions, this is not a porn site. If that is what you are looking for, you are going to be sorely disappointed; I keep all my porn on my hard drive. Just kidding, my hard drive is way to small for all my porn.
I have discovered that having a daughter warps time. I now have this little being that I feed and change; and by doing so, she makes me feel older. She's only six months old and already I'm going 'holy crap, my daughter is six months old!'. I thought my parents were just running with a status-quo when the said 'you grow up so fast'. I have seen the truth, they were right, sweet god they were right.
Ok folks, I'm outta here, sorry it wasn't as thought provoking or funny as I was hoping... but then today my standards running a little low(refer to the porn joke stated earlier). Later.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Here we go...

This actually looks like something fun to start up causing me to admit that I am impressed by this blog site. I downloaded some random art that I found surfing a while ago; I'm a big fan of dark surreal art. Sometime I'll find a site and sit for hours looking and imagining though someone's little painted window. I am going to promise to update this blog at least once a week, and I feel that now that I've written it in stone it will be harder to break. At least that's the theory, I can be tenacious in my laziness. Now that I've officially written something down, I'm going to go play around for a little bit. I think I'm going to have to find some big red buttons to press. Later.

Anubis Posted by Hello

My First Blog

So, this is it... when I fgure out how to make this work properly i'll write more